i think imma either make the best decision of my entire fucking life or the worst. im leaning toward the latter cuz idk how tf it could b the first. drugs and alcohol aren't bad if u do them responsibly. my mom taught me how to drink responsibly but i think the drugs killed the lesson. i don't have the shit to counterflip but if i did i would. i think imma end up falling back into substance abuse cuz it's js who i am. idk wtf it's gonna do w my meds. if i die i deserved it. what's sad is u hear everyone saying that wehen they go they'll get to meet their mom, or their dad, or grandma, or grandpa, or friend, or aunt, or uncle. i won't meet anyone. i'll js b alone again, but not on earth. who knows if they'll be more or less cliqueish. i don't have anyone to meet. it's not that i never lost anyone, they js didn't die. they outgrew me. i wonder if my nana will love me when she's up there if we meet. or will she js tell me to lose weight. im sorry nana. i will. i'm trying. believe me i am. it's hard, but i'll do it. i hope i'm creamated. idt my mom will cuz of her religion but it's not my religion and i wanna b creamated. i wanna b an organ donor and b creamated. i want a non religious funeral. i don't want jesus mentioned. idgaf about jesus. i don't believe in religion. ik that my family will js use my funeral as an excuse to argue anyway. maybe i won't have one. idt anyone cares about me for me. i js feel like a placeholder. use me to boost ur status, make me a number, im js a statistic. not even an object, js a number. i miss the comfort i felt that day ik i don't deserve it but i rlly fucking miss it. ig i can at least die feeling understood when i finally do. now i have a bottle of vanilla vodka. i js filled the base cuz im a pussy. i js threw it where i throw the shit i pretend i don't have. idk where the best place to cry from is: my eyes, my wrists, my hips, and ig now it can b my mouth. idk when or if im gonna go but yk imma miss a lot of u guys. and u guys r so getting haunted. i think i can help better behind the scenes anyway. maybe i'll js drink what i got tonight to sleep. and if im hungover tmrw i can js cry. does it even matter? idk y he cares. what does he want from me? what's he gonna do to me? y's he so fucking nice to me? what's the catch? is he gonnna hurt me? how's he gonna hurt me? what does he want? he'll leave like all the others. ig he's js building me up to knock me down. im js waiting for the end. however it ends, cheers to momento mori
