well the title's a bit of lie, it was march 15th but oh well. i think i js wanna keep these as song lyrics. anyway i think that was prob one of the most important days of my life. i finally achieved my childhood dream. i never rlly realized this until now, but all i've ever wanted since i was little was js to be comforted, but i always thought u had to go thru the worst of the worst to get it. i thought u had to break smth or have someone die, or get ur limbs chopped off, or have ur parents completely abandon u, but ofc i went thru childhood w my parents mostly ignoring me and js doing the bare minimum while also tiger parenting. idk how to explain. i used to think if i broke my ankle maybe the octonauts would save me and i'd finally be loved, but i've never broken a bone and i've never met the octonauts. i don't think i ever hurt myself intentionally before i was 13 but i would always imagine myself in the back of my basement w a broken ankle and a box cutter getting saved by the octonauts. not taking me back to the octopod, js caring. idr if i even wanted them to help me i js wanted them to care cuz who else would? well friday ig u js gotta strain ur ankle not break it. i was at my school's dance and my dumbass fell in stilettos and fucked up my ankle, it's not too bad it js kinda hurts and i gotta stay off the bike at the gym for a bit. im not telling my parents cuz idt it's that serious and they would js make fun of me. anyway my school wanted us to play musical chairs and me and my friend ditched cuz fuck no. the mood got fucked up cuz i said smth that was misinterpreted as a sh joke. but anyway that kinda got me down and thinking about life to the point that my poor innocent was worried about me and my other friend. so we ditched and my innocent friend was volunterring so she wanted to stay (we're not assholes, we invited her to come w us she js didn't want to) anyway we were js talking about life and shit and my friend was stressing about if we were even allowed on the football field. wtv no one said anything and im pretty sure we could. it was rlly nice. we js got to talk about life. like mixed in w some goofiness. i was dressed like a total fucking slut to the the point that my dad thought my shirt was a bra and i was wearing a short-ish skirt (wished it was shorter) w no shorts js some fishnet thigh highs and garters and it was pretty windy out. my friend was dressed like a sensible person. i was kinda cold but i js gaslit myself into thinking i wasn't. i was js talking about my shitty life which js naturally made me lower my position towards the ground. my friend kept offering his sweater which i refused cuz he planned i didn't and i didn't want him to be cold cuz im an idiot. he kept telling me to take it and i kept refusing cuz i don't rlly deserve it. it was my fault i was cold, y should anyone try to help? but it was my fault my life sucked. it was all my shitty decisions. i chose the wrong path everytime. but he was there to listen. and i js kept ranting about my problems and he talked a bit about his. and i was js trying to help him cuz i don't wanna waste his time w out him getting smth out of it. eventually he put his sweater on me and i told him that he didn't have to do that, but he was right it was warm and rlly fucking comfy and i lowkey regret not buying it when i saw it at forever 21. i js kinda ignored it and we kept talking cuz i rlly didn't deserve it. it was js a fluke. then the wind kept blowing it off and he kept putting it back on me. eventually i kinda noticed myself putting it back on as i got more comfortable w the conversation. i knew i wanted a hug but everytime he offered i js had to refuse. idk y. i js couldn't admit how bad i needed it. i think we finally broke the touch barrier when he was comforting me cuz some kids were doing sparklers in the tennis field and the noise scared the shit out of me. and he js touched my hands and said it was ok. then my dumbass got distracted by the goal post and i wanted to get up there cuz y not. and he was like that's a terrible idea and i kept asking him to help me get on the goal post cuz im short af and he said no. and then i saw some sort of weird ass thing that i could only describe as the shell of a table on wheels and i was gonna push it under the goal post and climb the thing (in heels ofc so smart ik) and he wouldn't let me. and then i js gave up and tried to sit on the thing which was maybe up to my shoulders so he helped me get up there it was pretty nice up there especially w how pretty the sky was and the relaxing wind and i'm pretty sure atp it was js us on the field. and we js talked and then we remembered there was a camera up there and we started trying to talk to the camera. he told me that if i fell there would always be someone there to catch me. he meant it figuratively and also literally cuz he would catch me if i fell off the thing. theni almost fell off and he took me off gently and carried me to where we were sitting before. he was rlly fucking insistent that i put on the sweater and then i realized that he must have felt how cold i was when he was carrying me. but i was a little more open to the sweater cuz i was fucking cold and he was insistent af that i wore the sweater and that he wasn't cold, so i did reluctantly after he kept putting it on me. at somepoint i noticed that my stocking ripped and idk y but it threw me over the edge and i hugged him without thinking and he started comforting me. we got on the topic of ed and i didn't wanna say it was getting too much for me cuz i didn't wanna seem like a pussy or make him feel bad, but it was. i ended up holding onto his sleeve cuz it was js getting a little too intense for me which im ashamed to admit cuz i don't wanna think im a pussy but i kinda am. i think he noticed i was squeexing the shit out of his poor sleeve and was like do u need a hug which i admitted i did. i was js scared cuz he sounded like he was at risk for an ed i never wanna lose him. he's so fucking sweet. so if i had an ounce of strength in my body i would have crushed his bones but lucky for both of us im weak af. but i was js more scared of losing someone i care about than anything. ed kills and ik cuz i'm trapped in the cycle. i don't want anyone to be trapped in the cycle but especially not someone i rlly care about. whoever tf hurt him can go jump off a cliff. somehow we got on the topic of family and that's where i fucking broke. my grandparents pretty much abandoned me to the point that i started grieving for them even tho they're still alive. i js want them to love me again cuz ik they used to. idk what tf happened. i fucking broke i was crying in his lap and he was js comforting me. he was js making me feel like a rlly mattered to someone. like someone actually cared. i felt understood for once. like maybe for once it wasn't my fault. js being held like that and listened to by a friend, someone that won't take advantage of u or cut u off cuz ur boring them. i think it's the best feeling ever even if u feel like shit all the time. someone actually cared and wasn't gonna kiss me or js want to have a mentally ill gf. he js wanted to be nice to me. i didn't notice it at the time cuz i couldn't see since who knows where tf my eyes were, all i could hear was a comforting voice listening and i felt him stroking my hair like a parent would, but he had also put his leg warmers over me cuz i was freezing my ass off. it was the sweestest thing anyone's ever done for me. no one's ever js listened to me before and held me like that. no one wants to listen. no one else made me feel like me and the whole world were equally nothing and nothing mattered except his kindness. i love how we'll never get together and we'll js be friends. i owe him everything for giving me all i've ever wanted. i've rlly achieved my dreams. idk if anyone else has ever gotten to experience that but im so glad i did. it was all i ever wanted. idc if ur rich af, idc if ur a make a wish kid, idc what ur religion is, idc if ur a saint, idc if ur a god, there's nothing that lives up to feeling of being cared for. the world is like a giant pile of cowshit u js gotta look for the shrooms. i think i found the mightiest shroom. it's js weird to finally achieve success cuz i crave it still. it's like a drug. is being cared for a drug? is kindness a drug? idk but every high has a comedown. this has to got to be the greatest high so it probably has the hardest comdown. my appreciation for it can't be expressed in words. words can't do his kindness justice. on the off chance u read this and realize im talking about u thank you so fucking much. i think i've already thanked u twice in the 2 days since it happened and ur getting thanked more but dude i rlly fucking appreciate it. i love u platonically and please don't ever leave me. i need u. idc wtf u think about urself i don't lie UR SO FUCKING IMPORTANT AND UR WORTH IT!!!! U FUCKING MATTER!!! U'LL BE GREAT IN WTV U CHOOSE TO DO IN LIFE!!! UR GONNA SUCCEED AND IF U DON'T I WILL PERSONALLY KICK GOD'S ASS!!! and reader that isn't the guy im talking about, someone feels the same way i feel about him about u. someone needs u. cheers to momento mori
