everybody knows the waist is js the way the body goes

i've rlly be eating like shit. i feel so fucking fat i js wanna cry. ik i can't js keep cutting myself cuz u don't store weight in ur blood. but to me it works, but ik it doesn't. im so fucking temtped to give myself an at home liposuction. idk how tf u do that but once i figure it out i will. maybe i can't commit cuz im on my period or cuz i'm not as motivated cuz i can't rlly delude myself into thinking im doing it for someone else rn. maybe if i get into a relationship i'll b motivated to look good. the boys at my school r ugly af and i don't hit on girls unless ik they're into girls cuz im not getting hate crimed. im rlly fucking scared for my one friend cuz someone told them they needed to lose weight and ik how bad eds r. if he gets one im gonna cry. i js wanna save him from it. i js wanna save him cuz i couldn't save myself. but maybe if i get skinny enough my grandmother will love me again. the last thing i remember her saying to me before she decided to never visit me again was that it looked like i stuffed pillows up my shirt but i didn't. i look 9 months pregnant how could she love me. istg w how much i hate myself and the amount of stress im under i might js take the huge fucking bag of nsaids i found in my room. its aspirin and melatonin i had a whole fucking plan but them i got hospitalized before i could do it. maybe it's time to put it back in action. who even cares anymore im failing school even tho i used to be gifted i might as well fail therapy. who would rlly miss me tho? my parents could divorce and finally be happy. my bsf has so many other ppl to lean on. her family is full of the kindest ppl i've ever met and she has a new bf every week. sure they're all shitty, but she's got them. she hasn't talked to me much, maybe it's my fault. does she rlly need me anymore? the friend i mentioned being scared for has a girl so he's good. he doesn't need me. the friend i'm working on a project with desrves someone w a brain. she'll find them and she has other friends. i think a lot of my other friends have drifted, but it's ok, it's for the best. i think they're avoiding me, but i wish i could avoid me too. my skin traps me, maybe that's y i cut it, so i have some hope to escape. there's only 1 person that i serve a purpose for, but once she finally gets w her guy, she won't need me anymore. maybe i'll js stay till the end of the year for her. js fail my classes and relax. y should i stress myself if imma end it? or maybe i won't end it. i'm js looking for reasons to live. i js need someone to convince me that they need me. i wish someone needed me, but idk if i could even deal w that. life is hell, but cheers to momento mori